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Differences [27 Aug 2017|09:57pm]

Last weekend was the BBQ at NWRH HQ. I was looking forward to it for months, and like most things I look forward to, I was left disappointed. I don't know what I was really expecting, but the experience left me feeling like an outsider. Jake came up from Portland, and by the end of the night, I had a feeling that he was interested in one of the girls who works in the shop. I really like this girl, she is kind, and down to earth, she is beautiful and light hearted. When everyone was getting ready to leave I had a feeling that they may have a connection going, or starting, so I left. 


Today I went by the shop and she was working, I asked if they hooked up and while the answer was no, they did kinda start to form this bond. I guess that they had a date of sorts the day after the BBQ and she is heading down to Portland, she is rockhounding along the way, but she is going to see him too. 


I knew that he wasn't into me, and that we were just having casual fun or whatever, but it sucks to hear about how different he is what he is into someone. I'm not mad at the situation, it is what it is, and maybe they are perfect for each other. I just leaves me wondering "why not me?" 


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[19 Jun 2017|10:56pm]
I've graduated from college. Last Thursday was my last day of school. I woke up and went to Herkimer Coffee and finished my final for my urban political geography class. There was a werid commotion in the coffee shop when I was there where a guy ran in after almost being ran over by a car, and then the driver chased him into the coffee shop. Then Dave Matthews came in. It sounds like a weird dream. I finished my final, went home and showered, and then went to school and went to the Geography graduation. It was a nice ceremony, a little lonely. I didn't have any friends or family there. I realized a few things: I didn't do enough in school. People were doing research and participating in presentations and symposiums, honors programs, etc. I didn't know about some of these things, I probably would have done them. I didn't now about the honors program, or how to apply for it. Also it occurred to me that I graduated from college. Obviously. But when I was going to the hospital the night that my dad died, I said that I was going to finish school for him, and now I have.

I was supposed to go to my moms house for 10 days following graduation to housesit and watch Theo, while my mom was on vacation, but she cancelled her trip. I still went for the weekend and we had a party. I got some nice cards and my mom gave me money. I got to see Jake when I was there.

I stopped at Salmon Creek on my way home but didn't really find anything. Then I started working. Just like that. Graduated on Thursday and by Tuesday I am back in the work force full time. It's fine, I'm working at Always Greener, its just not what I thought I was going to be doing, by any means. It's nice to have a job, and like that job, but... when it comes down to it, it's not super challenging or fulfilling. It's retail. I quit my career in the medical field to work in retail cannabis.

The whole reason I started this post was because I am just sitting here on the couch looking up music on youtube, searching for songs I had saved on my phone, and I ran into a bunch of pictures of Mike and I just broke down. Why. He is such a shit. I just had no idea we were on a course to hating eachother. Never would have guessed it. But all I have are pictures of him with soft eyes. Caring eyes. Sad.
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[28 May 2017|11:57pm]
I have a scar on my right index knuckle where I tried to mandolin off my finger. When I think about it I twinge. I got it the last time I stayed the night in BG. It's sensitive. I usually like scars.

I want a work bench. More importantly, I want somewhere to put a work bench where I can pound metal. I have jewelers hammers, an arbor press, dapping block, metal stamps, a dremel, a ring mandrel, jewelers torch, pliers...  I need a place to work. 
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[23 May 2017|03:58pm]
Im feeling weird lately. Detached. I have potentially three graduation ceremonies coming up and I am only considering going to one of them. I have already missed the deadline for the big UW graduation, so I can't go to that anymore, even if I wanted to. Which I don't. I don't want to pay for it. I don't want to buy a cap and gown, and then sit in the sun wearing all black all day. My mom said that I could just come down there and she would have a party for me, which sounds better.
Then there is GWSS graduation, which I don't want to go to. I went last year and it was boooooooring. I don't know, I am just not excited about it at all. Especially since we are planning it. There are only 20 of in the major graduation. Everyone in class keeps saying "it's not about you." Um... Yeah, it kinda is. And I am not doing something I don't want to do. I do however want to go to the geography graduation. I am looking forward to that.
I also decided that I am not going on the NWRH camping trip. For multiple reasons. It just costs too much, I should save the money. Stay here and work instead. Also, It is the week before finals week. I should use that time to finish up my papers. Also, I don't want to see Jake. I don't want there to be an chance that he doesn't choose me. I don't want to be socially awkward and hanging around on the dudes weekend. There will be plenty of people there, but I feel like it will be uncomfortable. Mostly because of all the years that Tre acted like we weren't sleeping together, or that we didn't know each other when we were hanging out all the time. When we were around mutual friends, he just acted like I wasn't there. I don't want Jake to do that. I like talking to him, I like sleeping with him. I don't want to ruin that.

Anyhow. I just want to get out of school, and start making money. 3 more weeks. 
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[22 May 2017|06:43pm]
I'm a little sad today. Something weird happened and I don't know why but it makes me want to cry. I was on a field trip on capitol hill today at the Bulitt Center, the world's greenest building. It's on 15th and Madison. Pretty cool building, net 0 energy usage. After the field trip I went over to Madison Market. I am supposed to be going camping on the 2nd of June and there was a guy named Mitchel from the NWRH facebook that I was going to carpool with. Well, he works in the deli at Madison Market so I went by to see if he was working. I'm never up on the hill, yada yada yada. We've been talking via fb messanger for a few weeks, we've talked about meeting before the trip, I mean, we're going to central Oregon, we'll be in a car together for 14 hours.
So I went by the deli and asked for him and they said he wasn't there but they would tell him that I stopped by. When I asked for him they asked if I was serving him papers, I said "no, we're friends on facebook and haven't met, I was just in the neighborhood. I'll send him a message and tell him I was here." Which I did. I told him I was in the neighborhood and stopped by, not to be freaked out if his co-workers tell him some girl was there.
He sent me a message that said "Did you just randomly stop by my work?" Which led into basically chastising me. He said that he was creeped out because we had never met, and then I show up unannounced, and he didn't know it was me, and that when he is at work he is working and doesn't have time for guests. My guts just sank. It felt like Mike ripping me a new one, calling me crazy. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, considering we had been messaging each other and planning on meeting up. Maybe I should had just looked around to see if he was there and not asked for him. Either way, I felt like his response was way out of line. My first repsonse to him was "Hey, sorry to freak you out, I was in the neighborhood, it won't happen again." Then he sent another message about why it was inappropriate.
I went to NWRH and talked to Lanny. I was visibly upset and started crying. Lanny told me to not talk to him, and that he over reacted. I sent the guy another message that said "Sorry, but carpooling isn't going to work out, take care." There is NO WAY I am sitting next to this guy for 14 hours. Not after he's chastised and embarrassed me. He sent me more messages that he was sorry for the reaction and blah blah blah, that he was freaked out because he had just been served papers at work. I said "No harm no fowl, sorry I freaked out out." Then he responded if carpooling was still a no-go. I'm not even going to respond. I still feel weird and embarrassed.
If I were at work and someone came in and was like "yo! We've been talking online, we're going camping together in a few weeks" I would not act like that at all.
I guess I am super tired of being called crazy or whatever. I have no ill will towards anyone, I don't wish harm or pain for anybody. I try so hard to make other people happy and comfortable just to continually be shit on. It makes me sad. Why am I always going out of my way to make other people happy and in return...

I did respond to Mike BTW. I don't even want to really get into it. The whole point of the letter was to make me feel better, to get the last word, whatever. But he sent me that text message calling me crazy and trying to make it sound like he didn't want to be with me the whole time. I told him to quit trying to re-write history, I was there, I remember how indecisive he was, and how he wanted me there. I told him that I might think he is a dick, but I'm not trying to change the storyline of how things happened. I told him that he wasn't a saint, that I felt alone, and that it isn't abnormal for me to miss his kids, most of the time I spent in BG was with and for them. I had more of a relationship with them than I did with him. Most of all, I told him that I was hurt because no matter what happened between us, I still valued his opinion, I valued him as a person and I only wanted the best for him. Despite everything, and him being a dick, I still wanted him to be happy.
I really don't understand how people go from enjoying eachother to hating eachother. It makes no sense to me. Especially because we didn't fight or abuse eachother. It's not like our relationship was horrible, it just didn't work out. It's just like fucking Laramie all over again.

Anways. I'm exhausted of other people at the moment. I'm tired of being messaged by dudes I don't want to talk to and ignored by the ones that I do want to talk to. I'm tired of telling people no and having them harrass me constantly trying to get me to say yes. I just want to be valued and respected by someone.

I'm not really looking to the camping trip at the moment. I feel like if I go I'll be out of place, that Jake might think it's weird that I am there, or he'll ignore me, or pretend like he doesn't know me? Kinda like Tre used to do to me for all those years? Lanny said I can hang out with him, but I kinda think that I should just not go and let the guys all hang out and leave them alone. I'm super nervous that Jake is going to think I'm crazy for showing up, and that he isn't going to want me there. It's a long way to drive to be disappointed. Because yeah, I do want to see him, and talk to him, and maybe I don't want to flaunt that we've slept together, but I want him to acknowledge me. It's 10 days away. I hope to figure it out before then.
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First thought of the day [16 May 2017|11:48am]
Fuck. You. You are such a piece of shit. Don't call me crazy because you aren't capable of communicating. That is fucking crazy. You want to act like a child and think the world is just going to revolve around your inability to deal with shit head on? No. Fuck you. You don't need to attack me now, when I've had no idea what your problem has been for the last two months. A quick little explaination could have changed a lot of things. After all I've fucking done for you? How dare you. Fuck you. 
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J from statefarm [15 May 2017|11:10pm]
When I was down in Portland I was texting Jake, told him I was in town. I hadn't seen him since he was up in Seattle for St. Paddy's day. We talk here and there, send pictures of what we find, or make. He invited me over to cut rocks and hang out. I brought a bottle of wine and we hung out in his garage, he showed me all of his rock working tools. It's just amazing. Rock saws and grinders, polishers, buffers, tumblers, vibratory tumblers. There are tables and stacks and shelves of rocks and slabs and hunks of petwood. He showed me his backyard which is pretty similar. Buckets and piles or rocks from different areas all over oregon and washington.
We went to the store and got more wine, and then hung out in his basement that I think is his mancave, but it's his suite as well. He has all of his lapidary machines and silversmithing stuff in a room down there, boxes and boxes of international stones, cabs he's cut, slabs for later. Just amazing stuff. Probably anything I could ever think of. He's got an huge record collection, he used to DJ, and was a graf writer. He has made lamps out of krylon cans. His whole room is covered in tags and different stickers. We just geeked out over old local hip hop videos and played music back and forth for each other while looking through books he's made.
It reminds me of the scene in step brothers where they're running all over the house doing activities and just super stoked on what they find out the other is in to. I wish I had a better attention span, there was just so much there to take in. I'd like to go back. I like talking to him, he seems to just have life figured out. But you know, turns out I'm not really the best judge of character. 
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The text message [15 May 2017|11:28am]
"Are you insane? Seriously though did you really really call my ex wife to complain to her that i stopped responding to you and that you miss her kids? That is the insaniest thing I've heard in a long time and I'm not sure if you thought somehow that would patch things up here or if your only goal at this point was to not be ignored. Either way... wow seriously! Seriously crossed lines beyond just abnormal persistence. After what like twenty texts seven some odd letters and a bunch of calls and voicemails went unanswered??? A Facebook message to talk about my daughters period??? Fuckin really? I tried to listen and be there as a friend and talk you through it, which in itself is crazy since im the one that broke up with you.  In December actually, when i realized that you and I did not want the same thing. You didn't accept it at the time and so again in January...  but i felt it was in everyones best interest to  NOT SPEND THE HOLIDAYS AND A LONG BIRTHDAY WEEKEND WITH SOMEONE THAT HAS UNRECIPROCATED FEELINGS FOR YOU AND BE DISINGENUOUSLY AFFECIONATE AND LEAD THEM TO BEILEVE THERE IS A RELATIONSHIP WHEN THERE ISN'T. (so regardless of your perception of the timing of these events, we are now left only with the current state) i tried to be a sounding board and listen while you talked through it and after you blew up and yelled and apologized several times i was all done and STOPPED ALL COMMUNICATION, because it was the HEALTHIEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME, and you have now persisted to this point where I cannot forsee any possible reason for you to contact me or my kids in the future."

Maybe this story doesn't start with the text message. I suppose it starts with me calling Sunnie, or with me trying to get a response from Mike. My initial reaction to this text is "it wasn't like that."
The letters I sent went un answered, but he was still talking to me at that time, like, he messaged me and said "ive got your letters, I'm reading them." Those all happened the first few weeks of us breaking up. So they aren't really part of the unanswered communication. There were text messages that I sent and I didn't even know he wasn't talking to me yet. I went about three weeks without talking, and then sent him messages. Still didn't really know it was an active stance of ignoring. I called, and he didn't answer. Which was still odd to me, because he had always answered, or called me when I had asked him to. Basically, communication would have worked better than no communication. Saying "I think it's in our best interest not to talk" would have been more affective than just not talking. It eventually turned into a game to me. like, is there any memory we shared that will make him remember we were friends? I thought he was being childish and it was just so stupid for him to not be talking.
The crazy part is how different he is than how I saw him. I saw him as a quiet simple guy. I thought he had a good heart. Him acting as a sounding board and letting me work my shit out seemed like he had some sort of care for me. It made me almost think that his silence was for my benefit too.
Maybe he had questions about the relationship in December, but he didn't try to break up with me. I went to his house to break up with him. And we had that 10 hour crying session where he couldn't decide what he wanted to do. He couldn't tell me yes or no as to if he wanted a relationship, which isn't good, but wasn't entirely bad. But I also didn't get the impression that he was breaking up with me, I was there to break up with him.
He said in the message that he didn't want to spend the holiday together, but then we went out shopping for the kids together. And then I spend the next week at his house before coming back to school. And then he had me come down there the next two weekends.
I have this feeling of wanting to be heard. Like I'm tired of being used and abused and I just want him to know he wasn't some saint.

This is what I want to say:

I didn't think that calling Sunnie would patch anything up. I don't know how you could even think that was a motive or possibility. It was not about you at all. I tried to talk to YOU and not her about what I was feeling. I gave you MULTIPLE oportunities there. Your idea that stopping all communication was the best possible outcome is what is insane. No one deserves that. Use. Your. Words. All of this would have been so much better and different had you done that. Starting in December! If you would have used your words then, all of this could have been avoided. Instead, you kept silent.
It is not insane that I miss your kids. Turns out, my relationship in Battle Ground was with them, not with you. I mean, I think back now to all the time I spent with them, not you, while you took care of your own projects and hid out in the garden or in the garage, or with friends. And I was ok with that, because I cared about you and knew you were a busy guy. I hoped that maybe if you were a little less stressed or didn't feel so overwhelmed, THAT YOU'D TREAT ME BETTER. The way you lay this all out Mike, it sound like you just kept trying to push me away and that isn't what happened. I tried to break up with you, and you couldn't tell me if that was what you wanted to happen. You didn't want to spend the holidays together, but then we went christmas shopping for the kids, and then you invited me over and I spent the next week at your house before going back to school. (I even asked you multiple times if you wanted me to leave and you said no) Then I called you, and you told me to come down the next weekend. At every turn when I gave the option of me being there vs not, you chose to have me there.
I appreciate you being a sounding board and letting me work through my shit. I knew it was going to be hard, and it was, and I've moved on. But I thought we were friends, and despite not wanting a relationship, I thought you still cared about me, I don't know, as a human? I even thought your silence was for my own good, but how was I to know, since you weren't saying anytihng.
We didn't fight, we didn't do bad things to each other, I cared about you a lot, and yeah, you really hurt me. But I still never thought you used me, or even totally blamed you for what happened (even though I could have easily done both). I sympathized with what you were saying you were feeling. I could understand where you were coming from and I didn't blame you for that.
I am only even saying all of this in response to what you typed to me. Giving the whole break down of the scenario was unneccessary, considering I was there too. I know what happened. My messages and phone calls to you were about trying to be friends with you. To be normal. To be over the past. I was giving you a pass.
The danger in even writing this is that I suspect you're reading it with a tone of anger. I am not angry. I just hoped there were good and decent people out there. I thought you were one of them. And against better judgement I competely trusted you. I haven't done that in a long time, I don't let people in. That's the only crazy part, that I thought that people could be good to each other and that things in life didn't have to be so hard.
Calling Sunnie took a lot of guts, and it was worth it. We had a good conversation. And it's proven valuable on multiple levels.


What I did say, and where this probably ends:
"I could sit here and argue the inaccuracies in what you've typed, but it's not worth it. I am not crazy. The only insane thing was wholeheartedly caring for the wrong person/people."
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Crazy. Insane. Insaniest. [14 May 2017|11:30pm]
It's mother's day, I just got home from portland.
The good:

  1. Saw Jake again, Jake from St. Patrick's day. I went to his house and he showed me all of his rocks and tools and work space and paintings. Turns out we have a lot in common surrounding early 2000's hip hop, local hip hop, etc.

  2. Went to a Timbers game for mom's day with Mom, Anton, and Tadpole. We got awesome seats and had a fun day out.

The bad:

  1. I'm super tired.

  2. It was a Timbers game

  3. I got a text from Mike, the first one in over two months. It was in response to me calling Sunnie. I called Sunnie last week because I still miss the kids. I wanted to send H & K something for her birthday coming up. Sunnie was super sweet. She told me that she heard a lot about me, and that I had a positive impact on the kids lives. That they missed me and were confused as to why I left all of a sudden. She told me to contact Mike, ask if I could send the gifts to him, if he didn't respond, she would have me come meet up with them on a weekend when she had them. She told me she was happy to hear from me, and is happy to know that I cared as much as they did. She told me to call or text her anytime. I can't even get into MIke's response right now. It was so long and just bashing. His interpretation of events is interesting. To sum it all up, he think's I'm insane and doesn't want me to contact him or his kids ever again. I did respond, all it said was "I could sit here and argue with you about all of the inaccuracies of what you just typed, but what is the point. The only thing that is crazy here was that I cared wholeheartedly for the wrong person/people."


For a future journal:

  1. Mikes text, and the feelings about that.

  2. Why is it wrong to hope that there is better out there and have faith in people. Why does caring for someone make you so vulnerable and why are people so inherently shitty to each other?

  3. Elaborate on my reasons for calling Sunnie. It took me a long time to get the guts up to do it. I was flying high after talking to her.

  4. Spent a lot of time thinking lately about how wrong I was about Mike. How is it possible to be so wrong? Unpack that.

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Chris [23 Apr 2017|10:51pm]
I haven't really said much about Chris. We met, and told each other that we weren't emotionally available. We had sex and then told each other that we couldn't stop thinking about each other. He still doesn't feel emotionally available. I am not so sure about myself. I wonder a lot why it's so easy for other people to stay so reserved; why they choose to not love or be loved. I suppose I chose that, because I wanted to love someone who went away. And with Mike, I just wanted to never forget that fantasy. What I've done is replaced one guy who didn't want to love me with another guy who doesn't want to love me. I keep getting involved with people who don't want to love, and I do. When I met Chris I was talking to Jake a lot, and didn't want to forget about that connection. I was talking to Heather and interested in where that could go. But I kept thinking about Chris more and more. He's not the type of guy I would think I would fall for... We saw eachother a few times this last week and made plans to hang out on Friday. I was hoping we would do something together. But he didn't reach out until 9pm. I didn't get there till after 10. That's not hang out time, thats booty call time. The sex was different. It wasn't bad by any means, but it was definitely different. I told him that I didn't want to pressure him, and he shouldn't feel obligated, and that I would hang out with him, without the sex, but that would defeat my purpose. He said my purpose isn't sex. He says he doesn't think he could go a day without talking to me. And I feel the same way, but I think he is becoming more reserved. I think he is falling for me a little bit and he doesn't want to. So he is drifting away. I would talk to him about it, but I am scared that I'll mess up the sex.
I knew that when I didn't get over Mike that I chose that. I wanted to feel that way. And I can't help but feel that all these people are making the decision to feel that way as well. Mike wanted to be alone, Chris wants to be alone, Jake(s) want to be alone. I am not as good at is as they are I guess.

On another note, I know virtually nothing about Chris. What does he do with his time? When ever I see him he seems so normal but I can't help but think there is this secret part of him he is hiding. 
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[16 Apr 2017|06:27pm]
Weekends are just not that fun recently. I was able to get some homework done yesterday, saturday, and I'll probably start doing some reading tonight as well, but, they aren't as fun as I think that they should be. I had plans with Chris yesterday to go to a movie, but he cancelled. I did go meet Heather today, briefly, it was fine, and well, but I just kinda wanted to see Chris. Jake isn't responding to me, it's just kinda dwindled. I'm not that concerned about it. I just dont know how I can be talking to three people, and not have plans for friday night. Chris keeps telling me that he misses me, that he wants to see me, but he isn't making plans to do it. So I am just super frustrated.

The thought that I'm thinking of today was when Mike said that he is a better friend than a boyfriend. I don't find this to be true. He was a good boyfriend. He's not being a friend at all.
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Not busy enough [15 Apr 2017|11:16am]
I can't seem to stay busy enough to not think about...
And I've been busy. I am working hard at school, getting all my work done on time. I am kinda dating. Three people. And while one of them in particular is taking over my thoughts, usually, it doesn't make me stop missing Mike. I still think about him, what he might be doing. Etc. It's sad, because after not speaking for a month. After being broken up for almost 3 months, I don't feel like he's someone I know. Like that song... I don't think Mike screwed me over though. I think it was unfortunate that he didn't know that he didn't want to have feelings. I mean, I thought that he could, or that he wanted to... Maybe this week and last are so hard because of my period. I am having a very hard time about the kids. I really really really wanted them to like me. I kinda forgot that it was important for their dad to like me too. We should have talked more when we had the chance. When it could have made a difference. When it mattered. I want to make the kids something for the girl child's birthday. I have started the project, but I know there is a very real chance that their dad will just throw it away. Maybe he wont even open it. Maybe he'll open the package and not give it to the kids. I don't know. It's weird. But it's kinda important to me. And yeah, I know how insane it is to think about someone elses kids. But I am having a very hard time reconciling the fact that they are just two people I will never see again. People who I pictured when they got older, and what they would learn, what I could teach them. I don't know if kids think about it, Like, did I think about it when Billy and my mom broke up? Did I think about never seeing him again? I don't know. Maybe they wont remember me in a year.
One of the people I'm seeing, we were talking the other night and I was talking about the kids, how much I missed them, and he said that he has kids too. A 10 year old girl and a 8 year old boy. I started to cry. It was just too similar.  When I was in London I had a hard time with the fact that Mike had kids. Mostly because he had children with a horrible partner. He decided that sharing DNA with this person was a good idea. I can't help by feel that there was once a slim chance that those kids could have been my kids.

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching soccer with Tre, nearly getting ready for a date later today, and all I can think about is Mike. I wish that there was an end to this break up that I could envision. I wish it weren't real, of course. Like it was an experiment that would fail and he'd come back. I miss his sarcasm and the fucking way he'd laugh. Fuck.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

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[08 Apr 2017|10:48am]
Now that school has started I am not very good at weekends. I am not planning things to do, because I am pretending that I am going to do homework, but I am really bad at doing homework on time. I didn't go to bed last night, well, this morning until 4am. I am still tired...

I have been working fridays at the cannabis market, and I like it. It's going well. I need to hone in on my research question though.
I have one more lapidary class with Larry, then I am on my own. He said that if I don't finish a project next week he'll make me come finish in his basement, which isn't as creepy as it sounds. I really enjoy going to NWRH. I want to get out and find my own rocks though :( It's still really rainy all the time, yesterday it was rumored to be windy, but I was inside all day.

I met a guy named Jake. A different guy named Jake. We both specified that we do not want relationships. We hung out and it was fun. I had a good time with him. He is easy to talk to, it is comfortable. We talk semi regularly. And while it feels like something that could just slip into a relationship, I don't want it to. The other day I was thinking about him, I don't know what about, he just crossed my mind and I had to grapple with if I wanted to say "hi" or not. It feels weird to enjoy being with someone and just NOT having the emotional capacity to want to be interested in him. I hope he feels the same way. He is a nice guy, I think we want to be alone together.
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13 reasons why [04 Apr 2017|10:08pm]
I watched the netflix show "13 reasons why." Binge watched it. The story of a girl who commits suicide and leaves tapes with the reasons why she did it, who caused it, who could have stopped it, and didn't. I balled my face off basically the whole time. She was an awesome young girl who just kept having things happen to her. And no matter what she did, it just kept happening, people lying and starting rumors, and somehow she was made out to be the bad one. It just sounded familar. Things just don't make sense or seem fair and it feels like you're screaming at the top of your lungs and no one is hearing you. At least no one is listening. In the tapes she included the guy who she had a crush on, not because he did anything, they just didn't communicate well, and she couldn't tell him what she was thinking.

Something that was said was along the lines that people need to learn how to care about other people more. We need to take better care of others. She made multiple comments about feeling alone, lost, feeling nothing, feeling like nothing mattered anymore. It is how I felt for the last two months. She slit her wrists in the bathtub. I thought about that. I wasnt sure I'd be found. Then I worried about what people would find that I left behind. I don't know. It made me think of me trying to reach out to Mike, and he is just ignoring me. I could be screaming and he doesn't care. Would anyone even call him. If they did would it even matter.

I gave in and texted him last week. He didn't respond. It had been three weeks, I thought maybe he would just say hi. Then I called him the next day. Morning, noon, night. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just busy and not actually being an asshole. I called him on sunday and left a message that said that I hoped that he was doing well, and that I hoped he was happy. I said that there are things that I am learning or doing that I think he would find so cool and I wish I could share them with him. I told him that really am most sad that I have lost him as a friend. Thats true.

I thought about calling him because I had a dream about the kids. I was making them pancakes. We were just having a sunday morning with cartoons and bickering and pancakes in the cast iron pan. The pan I bought us because I thought we would camp together and be friends. Now we're not friends and I want my fucking pan. I think about the kids so much and I don't know if that makes me a crazy person or not. I was so concerned with learning to communicate with them, and hoping that they liked me, and wanting to take care of them, and they are gone. I think about the boyfriends my mom had, specifically Billy, did he miss me when he left? From September to January, I saw the kids more than their mom did. I don't know how she could leave them. I am scared that the girl child will think that I quit caring about her, maybe she'll forget about me, but I feel like we were friends and I hope she isn't hurt.

The girl in the show, when she goes to talk to her advisor, one last chance, he says that he sees her with her friends. She says "what friends" because she feels all alone. And she is. I feel that way. I met a great man, I became friends with him, fell in love with him, and then lost him. I simultaneously lost my girl best friend. She holds grudges, over stupid shit, and she is mad about some bullshit, like me not responding to a text message, well, she walked away from me during the hardest time I've experienced in 14 years. I know she holds grudges, and maybe she'll get over it someday, but I'm not going to be there. I'm done. 
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[28 Mar 2017|10:32pm]
Second day of my last quarter. Class was ok. I'm not looking forward to the capstone. I don't think it's worth it to major in GWSS. We'll see.

I just felt a little sad today. Lost maybe? I wanted to cry a few times but I can't recall why specifically at the moment. I'm mad because I feel like Mike is forcing me to do this, date other people. He's not, realistically. But I can't help but think that he is, so I should, and if I don't I'll be alone for another 8 years. I didn't want to ever get to know anyone else. I seriously had eyes for no one else when we were together. I just wasn't interested. I had found what I was looking for. I still feel the same way. Some people send me thoughtful, hopeful messages, and I can't entertain them. These little "get to know you" feelers on dating websites, I just don't care. I don't want to get to know anyone. So cool, spend some time alone, yeah yeah yeah, I'll be doing that anyways. I'm not getting into a relationship, I'm not looking for a relationship.
Carlos feels like a bro. With a great dick. Hanging out with him on Sunday wasn't meaningful. It wasn't life changing. That first weekend I spent with Mike still makes me tingle to think about. I remember looking at Carlos in the dark against the flicker of a movie and thinking that the time spent with him was pointless. Looking at him I smiled a little, but just because I could see Mike in him.
Today in class I was thinking to fall quarter, texting Mike in class, telling him what I was learning, bitching about teachers. I miss stupid little things.
I had to look up a current event for my energy and sustainability class and I was outraged by what I read and I knew that he would be too, and I almost called. I wish that I could call and we could drop the bullshit and just talk. I miss talking to him sooooo unbelievably much.

You never drive away from someone thinking it will be the last time, until inevitably it is. 
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2 months [26 Mar 2017|11:34pm]
It's been two months since Mike broke up with me. While a lot has changed, a lot still hasn't. I can't believe it's been two months already. This is the same amount of time I was in Europe. It's half the amount of time we had together. It seems like so long, but I still feel his touch.
He's still not talking to me. It's been two weeks since I sent him the email asking him to contact me when he wants to be friends. He's not concerned with that. I've made some friends in the rockhounding community. I am still talking to Jake, and hanging out with Lanny and Juliet and Mo. I like talking to Jake... I went on a not-date last night with guy from OKC, Carlos. He looks like Mike. He had nothing on his profile, but that is why I contacted him. We went to McMenamins in Bothell and then went back to his place and had some drinks and amazing sex. I stayed over and we hung out all day, watching TV, eating, playing video games. He's unappologetically opinionated. We had fun. He doesn't want to be "involved" with anyone, surprise surprise. I don't like this not because it isn't a relationship, but because I think he will be overly distant making sure it's not a relationship. I think spending time with someone is nice when there is a physical aspect, and I don't think he'll provide that.
We watched John Wick, and the dog dies, it just reminded me of Opal. I miss the dogs. A lot. I was there when she was a little baby too small to take home. I named her, and gave her shots. It makes me really sad that I wont know her or chevy, and that I wont know the kids.

I'm still sad that this person who was just an amazing light to me is now gone. I liked his eye crinkles and his voice, the way he laughed and made me laugh. He had dainty shoulders but strong legs and hands. He is not replaceable. I have a Mike sized hole that no one can fill. 
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Lapidary [22 Mar 2017|10:50pm]
Today was so amazing. I started my internship at Always Greener. I got to meet people that work there, and read up on some of the old articles in the marijuana magazines. I got to meet one of the suppliers from Washington Bud Co. It's going to be fun.
Then I went to NWRH and took a lapidary class. We picked out agate, and then set our stencil, cut it down, and ground down the cabochon. We got to take them home. So cool. I want to do it again. Right now. I wasn't even finished with my first one when I was trying to figure out when I could make the next one.

Tomorrow I'm going rockhounding at salmon creek again. I am meeting someone from the facebook group there. Jake said he might come, but I am not holding my breath. Honestly, I kinda just want to go with the girl, and go with Jake somewhere else, some other time. I feel weird when I try to bring people together, like maybe they wont like each other? Or one of them wont have a good time. Maybe I fear this because I as always concerned that Michelle was going to dislike someone, or have a bad time.

Either way. This has been the most awesome spring break.

OH- And I finally got all the supplies to make my quarter rings. Maybe I'll do that in the morning. 
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[22 Mar 2017|07:17am]
On monday I tried hansen creek and point defiance in tacoma, I didn't really come up with anything good. Yesterday I went to walker valley off road vehicle park and hiked almost 5 miles in to find blue agate. It was amazing. First, the directions were very vague, I had to do a lot of guessing. But I found it. Once I got there, there were chips of blue everywhere, I had to stop myself to leave, I was all packed up and I'd see something and I just had to leave it. When I was up there I knew that MS would be so fucking impressed with this place. A good hike, and a guarentee on finding something cool. But. I didn't message him. I was so excited about what I was finding, and I think he would have been too, at some point in time. But he's not sharing his hounding adventures with me. Ya know, I told him it was up to him if we are friends. And he hasn't taken me up on that yet.

On my way home I texted Jake. He was excited with me. I think I'm going to salmon creek tomorrow, he said he could meet me there. That would be cool :)

I have these dreams about MS. But it is never him, it's always Laramie. It's Laramies face, but I know it is supposed to be Mike. Last night my dream was that I took the bus to meet him for lunch but he only had 30 minutes, he talked about his sister, and his dad, and these people belonged to Mike, not Laramie.
I wish it would have been his face though. I miss it. I found a video on my phone I didn't remember taking. It is mike looking at a rock wearing these magnifying glasses. He made me laugh. It's hard to look through photos, he is scattered in them all over the place. Fuck.

I was thinking yesterday about how he made no effort to be with me. He never came to see me. He was sometimes indifferent about if I came down there. He spent many weekends on his garden, then it was his land cruiser. He had errands to Levi's or Skyler's he had to do. It wasn't ever stuff with me, or my plans, it was always his stuff. It was tiring.

I miss the dogs. I miss the kids.

I have to go to the dispensary today to sign paperwork, then I am taking a lapidary class at NWRockhounds. 
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[20 Mar 2017|04:55pm]
Yesterday I headed up to Stubbs HIll and Skykomish, I didn't go to Money Creek, just logistics of access, being on the highway and not really knowing where I was going. I tried to backtrack from Skykomish to Money Creek on the old Cascade Highway, but, it was washed out. I went and walked through the river, fell in the river, got some pretty stuff, but not the awesome picture jasper I was looking for. I'm not to great at identifying anything, so it makes it difficult to gather. I mean, I pick up what I think looks interesting, or what could look interesting, but I don't know what it is.

Stubbs hill was easy to get to, at least one site was. I wasn't able to make it up the hill in my car to the crystal cliffs. I had some conflicting instructions, the book says how to get to the rock quarry, which is where I went, and the maplewood rock and gem club has different directions that I think instruct you to walk past the quarry. I didn't realize that till I was alreay back to the car.

Today I tried to go to Hansen Creek, it's still under snow. Then I went to point defiance and got some beach agate. Just a few. I'm kinda over the beach stuff at this point. I want some honking carnelian.

Still sad. I miss my friend. 
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[19 Mar 2017|01:44am]
I went with Roxy and Isaac to an auction for Amelia's school today. It was well ran, and I'm sure it would have been super impressive, if I had a horse in the race. It was a lot of parents throwing money at their kids school, which is super good. They made a bunch of money. I just don't have money to throw around, ya know? It was a nice dinner, I'd probably go next year if they asked. Coolest thing was that one of the teachers was auctioning off a trip for 6 kids to go rockhounding. She made $1000 for the school, and added another trip, so there was another $1000. So cool.

I don't want to be mad anymore. I wanted to share some of this with MS today, but couldn't because we aren't friends. I am off facebook for the moment. If I get on there... I'm not ready to see what MS is doing, but don't want to delete him. If I delete him, I lose control. If he deletes me, I lose control. I don't want any deleting to happen, because I don't want it to solidify that we aren't friends. I want to have hope that we can be someday. I want to be able to get onto the NWRH page though; they just announced the campout for this summer.

It's late, I'm trying to rockhound tomorrow. And make a ring out of a quarter. 
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